How I Learnt to Feel Safe in a Relationship
For most of my life, I didn’t know what it felt like to be truly safe in a relationship.
I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was constantly hypervigilant. I watched the other person’s actions, noticed every little change in their behaviour, and waited for the moment I might be hurt again.
Because of this, I would accuse, push people away and try to control how much of myself I allowed them to see. I wanted love and connection deeply, but I was also terrified of what might happen if I fully opened myself up to receive it.
Feeling safe in a relationship didn’t feel normal to me.
What felt normal was protecting myself, staying guarded and preparing for something to go wrong. I believed that if I stayed alert and kept enough of myself hidden, I might be able to stop myself from experiencing the same pain again.
I didn’t realise how exhausting it was to live like this. I didn’t recognise how much of my energy was spent watching, analysing and trying to control what might happen next.
Although these patterns were trying to protect me, they were actually creating more of the pain I wanted to avoid.
I was sabotaging relationships before they had even been given the chance to become safe. I was pushing away the people I wanted to feel close to and getting in the way of the connection I longed for.
Deep down, I wanted to be loved. Yet, at the same time, I pushed love away because it felt so unsafe.
After a lifetime of experiencing painful relationships, I reached a point where I knew something had to change.
If I wanted to experience my relationships differently, I had to understand what was happening within me. I had to understand why I found it so difficult to open up, receive love and trust that another person could hold my vulnerability.
It was only when I started to heal that I realised how much pain I was carrying.
It was only when I started to heal that I saw how much safety and connection I had been pushing away. And it was only when I started to heal that I began to recognise the part I was playing in the painful relationship patterns I kept experiencing.
This wasn’t about blaming myself for what had happened to me. It was about taking responsibility for understanding the protective patterns I was carrying and recognising how they were still affecting my life.
I had to understand why those patterns were there and where they had come from. That journey led me back into my past, where I began to realise that my childhood wasn’t as safe as I had believed it was.
My primary relationships, particularly my relationship with my mother and father, had shaped what love, openness and connection felt like within my body.
I had spent much of my life blocking out just how painful it had been to grow up in a volatile household. Love didn’t always feel safe. Openness could lead to pain, and vulnerability could leave me feeling exposed. Over time, I learnt to protect myself. I became guarded. I learnt to stay strong, watch other people closely and control how much of myself I allowed them to access.
Those patterns had once served a purpose. They had helped me survive experiences that I didn’t yet know how to process. But I had carried them into my adult relationships, where they were now stopping me from experiencing the love and safety I genuinely wanted.
Underneath all that protection was pain that I had never allowed myself to fully feel.
Everything began to change when I realised that the shift had to start within me.
I couldn’t spend my life waiting for the perfect person to arrive and make me feel safe. Another person could support me, love me and hold space for me, but they couldn’t heal the relationship I had with myself.
I had to start understanding what lived underneath my protective patterns.
I started to learn that it was safe to feel my feelings.
I started to learn that it was safe to be vulnerable.
I started to learn that I could let go of the patterns that were no longer protecting me, but were actually destroying parts of my life.
As I began to meet the grief underneath those patterns, I started to feel safer within myself. I stopped abandoning what I felt and began listening to what my emotions were trying to show me.
I started honouring my needs, acknowledging my pain and showing up for the parts of me that had spent so long feeling afraid.
Through that process, I realised that the deepest form of safety in my life does not come from how somebody else shows up for me. It comes from how I show up for myself.
It comes when I no longer abandon my needs. When I no longer abandon connection because I feel unsafe. When I no longer abandon vulnerability because I believe I always have to be strong. And when I no longer abandon love because of fear.
Healing has taken time. Learning to feel safe within yourself is a process, particularly when your body has spent years expecting love to lead to pain.
But as I created more safety within myself, I became able to receive safety from somebody else.
I began to understand how deeply being held nourishes my soul. Not because another person had come to rescue me or complete something that was missing, but because I was finally able to let their love reach me.
I could open up without immediately preparing to be hurt. I could allow somebody to support me without feeling as though I had lost control. I could experience closeness without automatically needing to push it away.
This inner safety became the foundation for greater stability within my relationships. It allowed me to communicate more openly, receive love more deeply and experience the connection I had always wanted but had previously been too afraid to let in.
Because what is life without connection?
What is life without love?
And what is life without feeling safe within your own body?
If something in this post has reached you or helped you recognise a pattern within yourself, feel free to reply and share what came up for you. I always love hearing how these words connect with the people reading them.
And if you feel ready to explore some of the emotional patterns that may be affecting your life and relationships, you can take our free Chakra Block Awareness Assessment by clicking the button below.
Much love,
David x
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